Payday

Attention staff:

Because of delays in the payroll department, checks will be going out three days late this week.

Management would like to remind the IT department that office policy expressly forbids the use of macros that auto-reply over our interoffice chat client in order to take longer cigarette breaks. Out-of-office auto-replies are acceptable, but programming anything with contextual responses is not. Albert in payroll is still not adjusted to our growing technology, and he somehow got stuck in an infinite loop with a macro that was left running on a computer over the weekend.

Al is making excellent recovery, and we wish him well with his therapy. Employees are encouraged to sign the 'get well soon' card that is circulating the office. Please make your handwriting look as little like Helvetica as possible, as the sight of it seems to send him into fits of terror.

We will be temporarily hiring a stand-in for Al to get paychecks back on schedule for the next pay period.

-Management

Email Issues

Due to unforeseen temporal disturbances in the network, several users are encountering an issue in which all incoming email is sent five minutes into the past. Unfortunately, due to quantum theory, all of this has already happened, and nothing can be done at this time, until it has already happened in five minutes.

In fact, Stan from Receivable Accounting has already received confirmation of resolution of this issue, sent from five minutes in the future. If you do not receive confirmation of the problem, it is most likely because of a paradoxical situation in which the problem has never occurred.

In the event of future temporal email issues, please try to retain any important emails from the future, as they may be required to save the human race in the event of robot uprising.