ATTN: Living employees

Well, we clearly didn't win the battle with Technorgistical, Inc.  It was one of those things that they call a bloodbath.  I finally emerged from the rubble three days ago more or less unharmed and with very little craving for human flesh, only to find that operations were rather normal.  Congratulations to our warehouse crew who saw their most productive year in 2011!  Also, you're all fired for not saving those of us trapped for over two years.

We're a bit behind on the innovation front, but not to worry, dear [living] employees--we are happy to inform you that SDM has been absorbed into the great Technorgistical's operation and that they are awesome and totally are not withholding the antidote in order to get me to supply this memo.  Also, they fully stocked our snack machine with various, reasonably-priced treats containing absolutely no substances that exert complete control over your mind, rendering your body nothing more than a puppet and banishing your consciousness to a hellish state in which you must helplessly witness the destruction of everything you love at your own hands.  You should eat these snacks because they are delicious and don't even do any of the things that I described.

We're back on track to get business in full swing shortly.  We're currently picking up the pieces and reassembling our HR team, so company-wide memos should resume beginning next week.  Incidentally, most of the aforementioned pieces were of Ted, so we'll have to see how that goes.

Welcome back, everyone!

Okay, now just give me that goddamned antidote.  No, I did everything you said.  Of course I was convincing! Well, it's just a memo, why don't you rewrite... oh, God, it's happening!  Give me the antidote!  GIVE IT TO ME before I start to cha...

Dictated but not read,
Guy Hagadorn, former SDM CEO

Internet Explosion

To All Employees:

After last week's explosion in the server room, we are pleased to announce that Ted from HR will be making a nearly full recovery, although there is a chance that he may be confined to a wheelchair. As most of you know, Ted was hospitalized after being exposed to very large amounts of Internet caused by the explosion. At peak, Ted was showing a count of over 9000 Internets, well above the typical range of Internet toxicosis. This number has steadily decreased with regular treatments of Microsoft's networking, and he is nearly back to the baseline rating of 200 Internets. We all wish Ted a speedy recovery.

-IT

Update: It seems that there was an unfortunate side-effect of Ted's Internet exposure that causes him to have developed psychokinetic powers, the limits of which we have yet to ascertain. This is not expected to be an issue, but we would like to put down some guidelines, to minimize any potential issues:

• Do not look Ted directly in the eyes, as he currently has a bug that can potentially format the user's brain. Our condolences go out to Sally Raffleton's family.
  
• If you see Ted levitating about the building, please pay him no mind. He has decided against the wheelchair.
• While he does have limited sight into the future, Ted can sometimes confuse the order of events. Therefore, please be sure to fully announce your presence before entering his office. This helps to prevent Ted from inadvertently tearing a hole in space-time.
• Smile. Since the accident, Ted enjoys it when people smile at him. Remember to avoid eye contact!
  

We are pleased to have Ted back with us. If we can all agree to abide by these simple guidelines, the transition should be a smooth one. Welcome back, Ted!