This is a reminder that all employees are to attend the meeting on Tuesday. We will be discussing battle plans and times for when we launch our attack on Technorgistical, Inc. As you all should know by now, Technorgistical, Inc. has successfuly raided our supply of yellow sticky notes. This leaves flowcharts without removable pieces, and Mort in Maintenance is slowly being exposed to his computer monitor as the old ones fall off, one by one. Let's not have a repeat of the last time Mort was exposed to technology, shall we? Our health insurance costs went through the roof.
If you work in Deliveries, please bring a box cutter suitable for close combat. We will be holding training sessions immediately after the meeting. Anyone who has a stapler is welcome to attend.
Remember, this meeting is mandatory. Any employee not in attendance will be assumed to be a traitor, and will be ritually sacrificed to keep the copy machine working.
-Management
PS: Could someone please replace the toner cartridge in the copy machine? This may help cut down on sacrifice-related deaths.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Payday
Attention staff:
Because of delays in the payroll department, checks will be going out three days late this week.
Management would like to remind the IT department that office policy expressly forbids the use of macros that auto-reply over our interoffice chat client in order to take longer cigarette breaks. Out-of-office auto-replies are acceptable, but programming anything with contextual responses is not. Albert in payroll is still not adjusted to our growing technology, and he somehow got stuck in an infinite loop with a macro that was left running on a computer over the weekend.
Al is making excellent recovery, and we wish him well with his therapy. Employees are encouraged to sign the 'get well soon' card that is circulating the office. Please make your handwriting look as little like Helvetica as possible, as the sight of it seems to send him into fits of terror.
We will be temporarily hiring a stand-in for Al to get paychecks back on schedule for the next pay period.
-Management
Because of delays in the payroll department, checks will be going out three days late this week.
Management would like to remind the IT department that office policy expressly forbids the use of macros that auto-reply over our interoffice chat client in order to take longer cigarette breaks. Out-of-office auto-replies are acceptable, but programming anything with contextual responses is not. Albert in payroll is still not adjusted to our growing technology, and he somehow got stuck in an infinite loop with a macro that was left running on a computer over the weekend.
Al is making excellent recovery, and we wish him well with his therapy. Employees are encouraged to sign the 'get well soon' card that is circulating the office. Please make your handwriting look as little like Helvetica as possible, as the sight of it seems to send him into fits of terror.
We will be temporarily hiring a stand-in for Al to get paychecks back on schedule for the next pay period.
-Management
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