Increased Prodeadtivity

As a reminder to all physically well employees, please steer clear of the basement cubicle farm unless you are signed up to receive permanent zombification treatment.  What began as a routine walk for Guy became a localized outbreak of The ViruZ after his long lashes and milky-white, glossed-over puppy dog eyes lured our unwitting QA staff into petting his adorable zombie head.  This, of course, did not go well.  Only Carl Champion has remained unaffected for reasons unknown, though he is suspected to not be very delicious.

Incidentally, productivity downstairs has increased by roughly 38% since the outbreak.  As such, management has decided to appoint one employee from each area as "Z-Team Liaison" in order to boost morale and set a good example for other company offices. This simple nomination process is currently underway, and it takes into account various criteria on a points system:

• Low productivity (3 pts)
• Whistling around your coworkers (3 pts)
• Having impure thoughts about Dana at the front desk (5 pts)
• Saying anything bad about HR, ever (7 pts)
• Inability to defend yourself if nominated (10 pts)

If selected, please report to Guy's office/containment unit, where he will give you a small nip on your finger.  The conversion process will take anywhere from one to four hours.  Once changed into a horrifying abomination, you will be responsible for providing your own muzzle.  Information on tax-deductible muzzles can be obtained through the Payroll Office.

We appreciate your continued cooperation!

-HR

ATTN: Living employees

Well, we clearly didn't win the battle with Technorgistical, Inc.  It was one of those things that they call a bloodbath.  I finally emerged from the rubble three days ago more or less unharmed and with very little craving for human flesh, only to find that operations were rather normal.  Congratulations to our warehouse crew who saw their most productive year in 2011!  Also, you're all fired for not saving those of us trapped for over two years.

We're a bit behind on the innovation front, but not to worry, dear [living] employees--we are happy to inform you that SDM has been absorbed into the great Technorgistical's operation and that they are awesome and totally are not withholding the antidote in order to get me to supply this memo.  Also, they fully stocked our snack machine with various, reasonably-priced treats containing absolutely no substances that exert complete control over your mind, rendering your body nothing more than a puppet and banishing your consciousness to a hellish state in which you must helplessly witness the destruction of everything you love at your own hands.  You should eat these snacks because they are delicious and don't even do any of the things that I described.

We're back on track to get business in full swing shortly.  We're currently picking up the pieces and reassembling our HR team, so company-wide memos should resume beginning next week.  Incidentally, most of the aforementioned pieces were of Ted, so we'll have to see how that goes.

Welcome back, everyone!

Okay, now just give me that goddamned antidote.  No, I did everything you said.  Of course I was convincing! Well, it's just a memo, why don't you rewrite... oh, God, it's happening!  Give me the antidote!  GIVE IT TO ME before I start to cha...

Dictated but not read,
Guy Hagadorn, former SDM CEO

The Hypothetical

I had found myself caught up in a wikicycle earlier today (a wikicycle is that downward spiral in which each article only arouses your interest in three more) when I came across some really interesting specs on jetpacks. As it turns out, one company (http://jetpackinternational.com) is estimating that they will be making available, to the public, a jetpack that could fly for up to nine minutes.

Now, this raises some interesting questions to me. As a writer, how successful would I have to be before I could afford that $200,000 price tag? Furthermore, how famous would I have to be for people to accept that my primary mode of travel was flight? At what point might people simply say, "Oh, that's just Kole. He flies places."

The problem that I foresee with this is fuel. After those nine minutes of flight, I would have to refuel. Now, I have to assume that this would be plenty of time to get to work, with no stop lights or traffic grids to follow. But I am pretty sure that keeping drums of rocket fuel in an office isn't really a safe-for-work policy, and I would have to explain: "Sir, that's for my jetpack. You know, that thing I fly to work every day."

At which point, fed up with the beauracracy of it all, I would leap out the window and fly into the sunset. For nine minutes.

Meeting Tuesday

This is a reminder that all employees are to attend the meeting on Tuesday. We will be discussing battle plans and times for when we launch our attack on Technorgistical, Inc. As you all should know by now, Technorgistical, Inc. has successfuly raided our supply of yellow sticky notes. This leaves flowcharts without removable pieces, and Mort in Maintenance is slowly being exposed to his computer monitor as the old ones fall off, one by one. Let's not have a repeat of the last time Mort was exposed to technology, shall we? Our health insurance costs went through the roof.

If you work in Deliveries, please bring a box cutter suitable for close combat. We will be holding training sessions immediately after the meeting. Anyone who has a stapler is welcome to attend.

Remember, this meeting is mandatory. Any employee not in attendance will be assumed to be a traitor, and will be ritually sacrificed to keep the copy machine working.

-Management

PS: Could someone please replace the toner cartridge in the copy machine? This may help cut down on sacrifice-related deaths.

Payday

Attention staff:

Because of delays in the payroll department, checks will be going out three days late this week.

Management would like to remind the IT department that office policy expressly forbids the use of macros that auto-reply over our interoffice chat client in order to take longer cigarette breaks. Out-of-office auto-replies are acceptable, but programming anything with contextual responses is not. Albert in payroll is still not adjusted to our growing technology, and he somehow got stuck in an infinite loop with a macro that was left running on a computer over the weekend.

Al is making excellent recovery, and we wish him well with his therapy. Employees are encouraged to sign the 'get well soon' card that is circulating the office. Please make your handwriting look as little like Helvetica as possible, as the sight of it seems to send him into fits of terror.

We will be temporarily hiring a stand-in for Al to get paychecks back on schedule for the next pay period.

-Management

Internet Explosion

To All Employees:

After last week's explosion in the server room, we are pleased to announce that Ted from HR will be making a nearly full recovery, although there is a chance that he may be confined to a wheelchair. As most of you know, Ted was hospitalized after being exposed to very large amounts of Internet caused by the explosion. At peak, Ted was showing a count of over 9000 Internets, well above the typical range of Internet toxicosis. This number has steadily decreased with regular treatments of Microsoft's networking, and he is nearly back to the baseline rating of 200 Internets. We all wish Ted a speedy recovery.

-IT

Update: It seems that there was an unfortunate side-effect of Ted's Internet exposure that causes him to have developed psychokinetic powers, the limits of which we have yet to ascertain. This is not expected to be an issue, but we would like to put down some guidelines, to minimize any potential issues:

• Do not look Ted directly in the eyes, as he currently has a bug that can potentially format the user's brain. Our condolences go out to Sally Raffleton's family.
  
• If you see Ted levitating about the building, please pay him no mind. He has decided against the wheelchair.
• While he does have limited sight into the future, Ted can sometimes confuse the order of events. Therefore, please be sure to fully announce your presence before entering his office. This helps to prevent Ted from inadvertently tearing a hole in space-time.
• Smile. Since the accident, Ted enjoys it when people smile at him. Remember to avoid eye contact!
  

We are pleased to have Ted back with us. If we can all agree to abide by these simple guidelines, the transition should be a smooth one. Welcome back, Ted!

Email Issues

Due to unforeseen temporal disturbances in the network, several users are encountering an issue in which all incoming email is sent five minutes into the past. Unfortunately, due to quantum theory, all of this has already happened, and nothing can be done at this time, until it has already happened in five minutes.

In fact, Stan from Receivable Accounting has already received confirmation of resolution of this issue, sent from five minutes in the future. If you do not receive confirmation of the problem, it is most likely because of a paradoxical situation in which the problem has never occurred.

In the event of future temporal email issues, please try to retain any important emails from the future, as they may be required to save the human race in the event of robot uprising.