Increased Prodeadtivity

As a reminder to all physically well employees, please steer clear of the basement cubicle farm unless you are signed up to receive permanent zombification treatment.  What began as a routine walk for Guy became a localized outbreak of The ViruZ after his long lashes and milky-white, glossed-over puppy dog eyes lured our unwitting QA staff into petting his adorable zombie head.  This, of course, did not go well.  Only Carl Champion has remained unaffected for reasons unknown, though he is suspected to not be very delicious.

Incidentally, productivity downstairs has increased by roughly 38% since the outbreak.  As such, management has decided to appoint one employee from each area as "Z-Team Liaison" in order to boost morale and set a good example for other company offices. This simple nomination process is currently underway, and it takes into account various criteria on a points system:

• Low productivity (3 pts)
• Whistling around your coworkers (3 pts)
• Having impure thoughts about Dana at the front desk (5 pts)
• Saying anything bad about HR, ever (7 pts)
• Inability to defend yourself if nominated (10 pts)

If selected, please report to Guy's office/containment unit, where he will give you a small nip on your finger.  The conversion process will take anywhere from one to four hours.  Once changed into a horrifying abomination, you will be responsible for providing your own muzzle.  Information on tax-deductible muzzles can be obtained through the Payroll Office.

We appreciate your continued cooperation!

-HR

ATTN: Living employees

Well, we clearly didn't win the battle with Technorgistical, Inc.  It was one of those things that they call a bloodbath.  I finally emerged from the rubble three days ago more or less unharmed and with very little craving for human flesh, only to find that operations were rather normal.  Congratulations to our warehouse crew who saw their most productive year in 2011!  Also, you're all fired for not saving those of us trapped for over two years.

We're a bit behind on the innovation front, but not to worry, dear [living] employees--we are happy to inform you that SDM has been absorbed into the great Technorgistical's operation and that they are awesome and totally are not withholding the antidote in order to get me to supply this memo.  Also, they fully stocked our snack machine with various, reasonably-priced treats containing absolutely no substances that exert complete control over your mind, rendering your body nothing more than a puppet and banishing your consciousness to a hellish state in which you must helplessly witness the destruction of everything you love at your own hands.  You should eat these snacks because they are delicious and don't even do any of the things that I described.

We're back on track to get business in full swing shortly.  We're currently picking up the pieces and reassembling our HR team, so company-wide memos should resume beginning next week.  Incidentally, most of the aforementioned pieces were of Ted, so we'll have to see how that goes.

Welcome back, everyone!

Okay, now just give me that goddamned antidote.  No, I did everything you said.  Of course I was convincing! Well, it's just a memo, why don't you rewrite... oh, God, it's happening!  Give me the antidote!  GIVE IT TO ME before I start to cha...

Dictated but not read,
Guy Hagadorn, former SDM CEO